– by faith –

I call this “The Odd Thanksgiving List” because these aren’t things people are typically grateful for. Hah, let me edit that—these are things I’m not typically grateful for. However, through the years I’ve learned to see these once upon a time annoyances as blessings in disguise. Why? Because it has stripped me of a good deal of selfishness and shallowness. It’s also allowed lots of growth in God that I would have never discovered if my life was smooth sailing. This thanksgiving I am thankful that:

• I don’t have everything I want or need – Some days I daydream about what it would be like to have absolutely everything my heart desired. I could jet set to Italy or have every item in the newest MAC Cosmetics collection. And then I realize that life would be pretty hum-drum if this was the case. Special things that we save up for like vacations, fine dining dinners, and other luxury items would seem, well, normal. We wouldn’t have much to save up for and look forward to.
• I have times of weakness – I had to think twice about this one. I think it’s safe to say that most of us don’t like feeling incapable. We want to do things on our own and achieve them with great success. In fact, many of us probably don’t like asking for help. In my weakness, I have learned set my pride aside and ask for help when I need and accept it without always thinking I owe them something in return. I’ve also learned to lean hard on God when I have absolutely no strength within me.
• I don’t get my way all the time – I’ve made some bad decisions and so I’m pretty glad that I don’t have my say-so’s when I say-so. There was the time I thought I was destined to be a journalist and gave my everything to become one—then realized it was one of the most time consuming and stressful careers that would keep me from family and friends. Then there was another time I thought I met “the one” and was angry at the Lord when he met someone else (he ended up not having very good values in life I would later learn). When God says no or wait—I think “Ok Lord, so what is the plan? Lead me there.”

This Thanksgiving, let’s revaluate the “negatives” in our lives and think outside the box of how God could be blessing you.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Always,

Faith

When I was younger I was terribly afraid of the dark. When I say “terribly” I really mean debilitating. For the life of me I could not sleep in a room by myself. I only found rest when my sister-roommate was in the same room ready to sleep. Needless to say, this fear did horrible things to my sleep. I always seemed to be groggy at school and am sure this was the start of my insomnia. See, my sister was a super-uber high school over achiever and usually slept late. I, on the other hand, was still a budding middle schooler in need of much sleep. It was a terrible mix for catching zzz’s.

Till this day I have no idea why I was so fearful. The first thing that comes to mind (as I try to think like my 12-year old self) was that I thought something horrible was going to get me… eat me… you get the gist either way I’d end up dead. What horrible thing you ask? Well, I don’t know something awfully horrible. I’m thinking maybe a hybrid between Freddie Kroger and the Sandman with gigantic claws waiting to get at me. Ahh!

The Question of Fear

It makes me wonder—why are we so fearful? Where does it come from? These are multi-faceted questions that I will ball up and answer in a nutshell based on my experience. Whether we’re old or young I think fear stems from three things:

• Being Alone – There’s no question that the thought of being alone when you’re already deathly scared feeds fear. In my case, when I was younger, I was scared of being alone in a dark room without someone to call for “back-up” just in case something happens. For some reason, I felt like there would be power if someone else were with me instead of weakness with just myself. When we’re older this fear of being alone could be from not being in a relationship and going through life’s struggles on your own. You could feel somewhat helpless as if you’re unable to deal with the tough stuff solo.
• Getting hurt – Sometimes the thing we face can end up getting us physically or mentally hurt and change our lives forever. This could be from of a decision you can make about your health, job, school, and so on. You may think this pain that you receive will leave you forever feeling defeated or regretful of the choices that you made.
• Failing – Ah yes, this is a big one for me. I fear of failing probably several times a day. This is mostly from not meeting an expectation or disappointing someone somehow. I’m pretty sure that this is the biggest part of fear. We fear that we won’t be able to overcome and succeed whatever we are trying to conquer–perhaps this could be a project, financial goal, or about your physical health.

Fear in the Bible

There were countless of figures in the bible that were fearful when faced with trouble or the unknown. First on my roster: Moses. Moses, I’m sure, shook like a leaf in a storm when he was in front of the Red Sea with the Egyptians closing in behind him (Exodus 14). Then there’s the Lord’s anointed one, David. This man had a target on his back, courtesy of King Saul, and tried with his might to run away from his spear to escape death (1 Samuel 19). Although, these two are great, my personal favorite fearful servant of God was Joshua. Joshua feared that merely marching his army around Jericho’s walls seven times wouldn’t cause it to fall and that his enemies would destroy him and his team. But in this crazy scary feeling the Lord told him to:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9

I adore this verse. Why? Because it commands, reminds, and gives hope. It commands that I be strong and courageous. It reminds me that I should not be afraid or discouraged. It gives me the peace and hope that God will be with me wherever I go in this journey of life.

Present Fears, Choices, and Outcomes

I currently am fearful of my bumpy road to recovery. The process isn’t going as quickly as I’d like and I’ve had a whole lot of setbacks that have sometimes left me feeling like dirt. Some days I feel alone—really alone—in this emotional and physical battle I’m in. It’s as if no one understands the invisible, sometimes unspeakable, aching pain I go through. There are days where I do give up and think, “For the life of me I cannot breath! If this panic attack and racing heart are going to bring me to you Lord then so be it! I’m coming!” with hot tears rolling down my face. Then I think of family and friends that would probably miss me if I’m gone—and so I feel like I need to keep fighting to get better and remind myself that I need to daily renew my hope and trust in God.

Like my last post, I am now a converted believer in choices. With most of life’s struggles, we have some power to choose how we are going to react to what is thrown at us. Personally, I can either give up on trying to succeed and learn from my health issues–but something inside me tells me that I ultimately shouldn’t. That my greatest ministry, like some of the greatest stories in the bible, will not come from happy stories. They will come from tales of gut wrenching fear, life-changing mistakes, and unimaginable pain, pain, pain. These are the stories that will give us the power to help others overcome and make us realize that we aren’t alone in this world, that we won’t get hurt without good reason, and that we won’t fail with God’s power and guidance.

P.S.

Just in case you were wondering what the outcomes of Moses, David, and Joshua were:

• The Lord put his hand over the mighty Red Sea and parted it for the Israelites to go through and get to safety.
•  The Lord protected David by sending Jonathan to help him hide in the field away from Saul’s wrath.
• The Lord sent the Walls of Jericho crashing down after Joshua and his army’s seventh lap around.

So fear, take that.

Always,

Faith

“How do you become an optimistic person?,” I asked my oldest sister, Antoinette.

“You just do it,” she replied straightforwardly.

“Really?” I was slightly offended on how quickly she answered. Hah, like it’s that simple I thought.

“Yeah, being positive is a choice. You choose to see the good,” she smiled and looked at me.

The conversation didn’t go exactly this way but it was pretty close.

I didn’t really understand this when I first heard it and thought it was a load of hooey. I’d think, “Positivity is my choice?!” “How can I ‘choose’ to be positive when I’m stuck in a negative environment?!” Or, “How can I ‘choose’ to be positive when I’m always sick?!” This is how I feel and I can’t change it! Nu-uh, nope, no sir!

As a self proclaimed Eeyore (who is trying to help herself) I’ve read tons of positivity blogs, articles, and advice columns and they all seem to have one big thing in common: positivity is a decision you make. The more I thought of it—the more it made sense. I recall a sermon that once told a story about a husband and wife who were fighting when all of a sudden the phone rang. After a few more huffs and puffs, the wife picked up and with the sweetest voice said, “Good evening, hello?” to the person on the other line. How did she so quickly switch from being furious to calm before answering the phone? It was a choice she made. A-ha.

Positive Pollyanna

They call it the “Pollyanna Principle” and I think she’s on to something. If you haven’t read the book, it’s about this overly optimistic girl named Pollyanna who sees the good in everything. And when I say “everything” I mean ev-ry-th-ing. The girl had a knack of being grateful even if she was given the attic as a bedroom (in a mansion filled with empty rooms) by her aunt and water and bread for dinner. I don’t know about you, but it would be very difficult for me to not be bitter if I were in her raggedy shoes. In 1 Thessalonians the Lord reminds us to:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

– 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 We may not all be able to be as optimistic as Pollyanna, but there are things we can choose to do to help us lean a little more to the right attitude.

• Choose to stop a negative thought on its tracks – Just like a tempting thought we shouldn’t let negative thoughts creep in our minds. Don’t let downer thinking have a foothold in your brain. Instead, literally say “stop” and try think of something else. Maybe how grateful you are that you woke up today or how beautiful the weather is.
• Choose to distract yourself – Do a healthy activity that gets your mind off of what’s weighing you down. Go walking, cook a delicious dish, or watch a light-hearted movie. They also say helping others is a good way to keep you from thinking of yourself too much and everything that’s wrong with your life.
• Choose to talk it out – Sometimes when you’re drowned in negative thoughts it helps to speak with someone else you trust. One, it’s just downright therapeutic to let it out there. Two, they may have a different angle on your situation. Three, they can help remind you to see the good.

I don’t know how severely you may be affected by your situation–so I know it’s not a change that can happen overnight. But the more practice you put into positivity the more you will reap the benefits of a lighter heart and healthier life.

Always,

Faith

I’m just going to go right out and say it: The Lord dented my life. Before this year, my life felt like a car in fairly decent condition set to cruise control. Until, that is, God lovingly struck me on the side and changed the course I set for myself. Unexpectedly, it didn’t feel like I had much control over my life anymore. The pace that I set, the destination that my heart wanted to go, was thrown off.

When I started to get sick I was frustrated because I was sure my plans (for my career, when I would get married, and how much savings I stored) were going to pull through cause I had the power—the control—of my life. But I guess that was the thing—I was in control and that wasn’t how God wanted it to be.

Giving up control of your life is such a scary thing. There have been countless nights where I would sit on the floor of my bedroom and tearfully asked God “to please fix me because I don’t know how to fix myself anymore.” Enter Joseph. At the beginning of his story you’d think that Joseph had it made. He was his father’s favorite and was handcrafted a beautiful multicolored coat as a sign of his love. However, little did he know, all this was causing his brothers to grow jealous.

Joseph was known as “the Dreamer” so I’m pretty sure he had plans for his life. And, well, I’m also pretty sure his brothers plotting to kill him and throwing him in the well wasn’t part of it. When this happened, he probably had no clue what was going to happen to him. But God did.

HE was working when he was sold to Potiphar.

HE was working when he was wrongfully thrown in prison.

HE WAS WORKING.

In Genesis it says that:

“The Lord was with Joseph, so he became a successful man.”

– Genesis 39:2

“The Lord was with Joseph…” Sometimes, it could feel like the Lord does the whole “hit and run” with our lives. This isn’t true. When he “dents” our lives he does not leave us alone—he, instead, draws nearer to you and gives you His grace and strength (II Corinthians 12:9). Through the time Joseph spent being tossed around Egypt the Lord was doing great behind the scenes things that were not yet revealed to him until later. In the end Joseph had an amazing future—something he probably would have never achieved if God did not interrupt his life.

I wouldn’t be telling you the truth if I said that I’ve wholly accepted this dent in my life. In fact, there is a page in my journal where I planned out my dream life from 2012-2016 that I look back on every now and then (and sigh a bit). Needless to say, things haven’t turned out how I expected and I’m way off track from my 5-year plan. But for now, I think I’m ok with it.

Always,

Faith

It’s not the place we choose to be. Waiting rooms are known to be eerie quiet with hard on your backside chairs and outdated magazines. In this place we stare at other people (or try our best to avoid eye contact) and wait for our name to be called.

Sometimes the wait isn’t long. We surprisingly get called after a few minutes and are out the door in no time to move on with our day. But there are times when we wait an hour or more to be called, and its in these moments where we start constantly checking the time and muttering something angry at the innocent receptionist.

There are many things, and good things at that, that we wait for in this life. Some of us are waiting on a job, healing from prolonged sickness, or when to get married. Personally, I’m waiting for all the above. I know all too well that waiting can lead to much frustration…then crying…then restlessness… then doubt… then more crying and then the whole dreaded cycle begins again. Whoop ti do.

God’s Functional Clock

It seems that the waiting room is the place that stands in between you and where you want or need to be. The word difficult does not even begin to describe how tough it is to wait on God. On really bad days I think His watch must be broken or even that He’s forgotten about me (deep down in my heart I know this isn’t true and try my best to shake it off). In Ecclesiastes it says:

“He does everything right and on time, but people can never understand what he is doing.”

– Ecclesiastes 3:11

So I definitely agree that the Lord does “everything right and on time.” The frustrating part is that I have no idea what His bigger picture is and I have no idea what His schedule is like…which brings me to the hardest yet best thing we can do: seek Him and trust that He is working for your good. Ultimately, I know that what I want is for Him to insta-answer my prayer when this probably isn’t what God thinks is best for you. I feel that usually He wants me to lean on Him and know that He is God.

Waiting Well

Some quick tips on how to make the most out of the waiting room:

• Journal – I know it seems a bit crazy to write down painful times in your life cause some of us don’t want to remember them—but it could be beneficial. One, it serves as an amazing outlet to express your feelings. Two, you can look back on it to see how God has come through for you in unexpected ways.
• Find the positives – Among the pain and hardship, pick something positive out of your situation. You may be gaining wisdom or learning to be compassionate. Maybe you might even realize in the future that the waiting room was the best time in your life to grow with God.
• Grow: Lastly, grow. I find that the times that I’ve gone through intense emotional pain is when I clung the most to God and grew (yea, pain has a way of making you do this). I’d wake up in the morning and literally cry out to the Lord because he was the only thing that was keeping me going. These were such dark times but beautiful times as well.

Just a reminder on God’s clock: It’s working—meaning He’s working…

Always,

Faith

I’ve recently found myself longing for the past. The days when I was healthier, happier, and felt like I had good things going for me. I keep wishing for a time machine so I could relive the good ole’ days but also do some things over (mostly do some things over). Since we all know that time travel is not possible, I thought of some things I wish someone would have told the younger me.

1. Take care of your health – It’s no secret that when you’re young you feel invincible. Stay out all night, eat whatever your heart desires, and keep pushing your body to its limit. That is, until you go over the edge and find yourself sick as a dog out in the rain. Take time to evaluate your lifestyle habits. Get enough rest, stress less, exercise a few days a week, eat right, build good relationships and be physically and emotionally at your best.
2. Forgive generously – I’ve held my fair share of grudges and regretted each and every one of them. I blacklisted the boy who chose one of my best friends over me, the friend that always flaked last minute, and on and on. Recently I saw a girl who I vowed to “backlist” forever from my life. She warmly asked me how I was, and told me a little bit of what was going on in her life, and my heart sank. Whatever that had went wrong between us she obviously let go (while I was clutching on to the hate like a crab who just got ahold of a big toe). So much time has passed and sadly so much time has been lost. I could have mended the relationship years ago and kept this person as my friend.
3. Love harder – Cherish your loved ones like they’re beautiful snowflakes. Here one moment and then gone the next. I’ve never felt how temporary life is until now. A good friend of mine unexpectedly lost his father two months ago and might be on the verge of losing his grandmother to stroke. My own mom has been battling paroxysmal atrial fibrillation for years and has experienced an obvious decline in health. I know sometimes it may seem that your friends or family will be there to hang out or annoy you forever but they really aren’t.
4. Be involved – We all have had good intentions to “help others and make this world a better place.” My advice to you: do it. Honestly, what better time than the present (cause now maybe your only chance). No more just thinking of wanting to do good and—Just. Do. It. Look up volunteer opportunities at your local animal shelter, Salvation Army, senior citizen community center, church, or school. There are so many places that need help you just need to dive right in.
5. Ask for guidance – What could you lose from asking someone you trust for advice? Lately, I’ve been earnestly seeking the Lord for what to do next in my life because I’ve come to a point where I have absolutely no idea what to do. I really believe that the percent of things that I did wrong could have been slashed in half if I sought some sort of council. True, some of the negative experiences have made me grow. But there were several choices I made that were not necessary and could have saved me a lot of trouble.

My heart is still sad that I can’t redo things over so that my present circumstances could be better—but I feel like this list can serve as a reminder of what to do here on out.

If you’re still breathing—it’s not over yet. Go out there and live.

Always,

Faith

I don’t think my mom realized how dangerous it would be to name me “Faith.” At birth, I had a hole in my heart that needed to be repaired so I would survive. My mom told the Lord that, “If He would let me live, she promised I would grow up in the faith.” After a few weeks passed my heart was patched up and I was released expected to live a normal life. And, as promised, I was raised in the church and joined a bunch of ministries. I enjoyed being in God’s house and accepted Christ at a young age. I loved my name and felt sort of popular to see “faith” printed in the Bible so many times.

My upbringing was challenging but seemed somewhat ordinary. Each year I needed to go to the cardiologist to check up on my heart and it seemed like every visit was the same. The doctors could hear a murmur but said I should be fine. I did well in school but noticed I tired easily. My heart didn’t seem to keep up like the other kids. When the PE teacher hollered for us to run around the field it was a challenge. I would walk, then run a bit, then would have chest pain and feel out of breath. The teacher allowed me to “sit out” the activity and I would routinely plop myself on the sidewalk. I’d watch my classmates and pick on the grass wishing I were “normal” (whatever that means) like everyone else.

As I got older I went to a local college and seemed to get by. Tests and projects gave me stress (as any college student would feel) and I had chest pain every now and then. I eventually graduated and applied to jobs but didn’t have much luck in this area. In fact, I got fired from my first real job and quit my second job because I thought that the stress was literally taking years from my life. I felt so incapable and found myself asking God, “Why?”

In 2015, I thought my life was finally coming together. I felt pretty healthy. I was a high school teacher and loved my job. I was saving for my future and everything just seemed to be falling into place. By the time 2016 rolled around I thought it would be a wonderful repeat of last year. In March, I woke up with one of the worse feelings in my life. My heart was pounding out of my chest and skipping like crazy. I couldn’t breath and my thoughts were dark. I kept thinking that my heart problem from birth was back and that my life was over at 27.

From then on I’d have a series of heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, bouts of depression, incredible nausea and vomiting, and migraines. All of this crushed my confidence and sense of independence and I felt like I was in a prisoner in my own body. In my mind I would once again be this kid who couldn’t keep up with everyone else and would have to throw their dreams out. I hated my name so much that when my mom called me one afternoon I said, “I’m Donna—don’t call me Faith.” For weeks I refused to go out in fear that I’d have an episode.

Some time passed before I told myself that I’d thrown myself enough pity parties and from this day on I’d hold unto my namesake “Faith.” I poured over the Bible seeking his truth and listened to sermons. I remember listening to one sermon (by the ever inspirational Joni Eareckson Tada) that told me that even with present health struggles I had to decide to “get busy living” or “get busy dying.” I told myself to choose to get busy living.

I’m still on a constant emotional roller coaster (feeling positive one day and like Eeyore the next) but I keep trying. I’m starting to realize that life wasn’t meant to be easy which helps. That although life gets rough we need to push and keep living life—by faith.

Always,

Faith

This blog is started, well, “by faith.” Other than it being my name, faith has been evident in my life. It’s no kidding that life is tough. Period. This year has been my toughest to date (more on this later) and so birthed this blog.

We can all use a dose of hope and encouragement to get us through the journey. I hope the nuggets of advice, crafts, and stories I will share will inspire you.

Always,

Faith